I recently received an email from a gentleman requesting some sex advice. This isn’t unusual in itself, but this email was so multi-faceted that I promised the correspondent a full analysis with my opinions here on the blog. The main issue? His wife can’t achieve vaginal orgasms. Having heard similar worries and complaints both from women and their partners in the past, I wanted to write about my thoughts on this issue at length.

The Issue

First of all, here’s the enquiry I received:

Core of the problem is that my wife can’t achieve vaginal orgasm. I do understand that reasons for it might be psychological (very shy of her body and very tight upbringing) as well as medical (age and extra weight) but I want to cover “wake-up” techniques with best technology there is. Which finally brings me to a question – from your perspective as a seasoned toy reviewer, what toys are best to use in an attempt to “wake up” vaginal orgasm? I’d be grateful for any insights.

First of all, I’m going on the hopeful assumption that the lack of vaginal orgasm is a problem to the gentleman’s wife, rather than only perceived as a ‘problem which needs fixing’ from the guy’s point of view. If the lady in question does indeed see this as a problem and would like to find a solution, then it makes sense to reach out for help.

Secondly, the question is raised about whether the lack of vaginal orgasm is a psychological or an anatomical problem. This is an insightful point to weigh up, as there is certainly a psychological aspect to sexual pleasure, and therefore in many cases the ability to achieve orgasm, as well as just the anatomical stimulation side.

Let’s tackle these two areas to begin with.

Is It Really A Problem?

Is the fact that a person can’t achieve vaginal orgasms really a problem? Perhaps it seems like a problem, if you used to be able to, but can’t any more. Or if you feel pressure to achieve vaginal orgasm; whether that’s pressure from your own mind, or because of society’s expectations and media influence about how people should perform sexually, or (but hopefully not) pressure from a partner that you should be able to orgasm in this way.

If part of your sex life is upsetting you, then that’s the problem. The fact you’re upset over it, the fact that it’s affecting your happiness and therefore your sex life. Do I see the lack of achieving vaginal orgasm as a problem in itself, ie. a medical problem? Not at all.

I don’t achieve vaginal orgasms either – vaginally penetrative sex or using classic dildos or vibrators don’t bring me to a vaginal orgasm. I won’t even say I ‘can’t’ achieve vaginal orgasm in these ways… because that assumes I’m trying, or that I feel less sexually because of the lack of this ability. I don’t. I’m very happy to experience sexual pleasure in other ways – I can orgasm easiest from clitoral stimulation but have also been known to orgasm anally as well as from a specific type of g-spot stimulation. I also enjoy sex sessions with my partner without any orgasms at all; just enjoying exploring one another physically as well as the erotic possibilities of our combined kinky minds, an illicit intimacy which is both thrilling and fulfilling.

Psychological or Anatomical?

Is the reason not being able to achieve vaginal orgasms psychological or anatomical? I’m extremely reluctant to say there is any type of reason for the lack of vaginal orgasm, because this assumes there must be a reason, because all people with vaginas should definitely able to achieve vaginal orgasm, and if you don’t then there’s a problem. This simply isn’t true.

I don’t believe vaginal orgasms are something which innately exist in vagina-owning sexually active adults, therefore I don’t believe they are something which lie ‘dormant’ and can be ‘woken up’ by some magical technique or sex aid.

That said, people who are not currently experiencing vaginal orgasms may be able to discover new stimulation techniques which work for them personally, and come to learn how to achieve vaginal orgasm through this exploration and trying different things. That’s all part of learning what works for you –but if you have a specific aim –like vaginal orgasm- and nothing seems to work for you, don’t sweat it.

There can definitely be psychological barriers to orgasm, however, in these situations the psychological barrier tends to stop any and all type of orgasm rather than a specific type like vaginal only. In my opinion it would be unusual for there to be a psychological barrier preventing vaginal orgasm in particular.

Are there anatomical reasons why vaginal orgasms seem impossible to achieve? I’ve spoken to women large and small, young or old, who find vaginal orgasm easy or impossible. I believe vaginal orgasm through sexual penetration (via partner or toys) is simply an individual thing and isn’t a capability which is ‘lessened’ through age or weight. In fact, there are several older sexually active women and many queen-sized sexual sirens I can think of who would be incredibly insulted at the assumption that age and/or weight has a negative impact on orgasm ability or sexual capability/enjoyment in general.